It has been really hard for me to make myself blog lately. Partly because my little triangle of the world has been so over full that I haven’t had the time.
Partly because it takes inspiration and energy for me to get my words and thoughts out in an organized and meaningful manner.And partly because I have been living with and struggling with an internal demon every since my Ironman in June.
I hope you will sense the seriousness of this for me but also the fact that I am choosing to have a sense of humor in some aspects of it as well. I am a Frontal Right and my brain needs to find fun somewhere in this process of attempting to overcome a Fear!
You might think that once a person has obtained the status of Ironman, that they have mastered the sport or that they have arrived at a level of fitness that allows them to experience nothing but smooth sailing from here on out……Think again …
and expose my Ironman insides in an attempt to begin to move forward and grow through a big obstacle in my in my path on my journey to my second Ironman.
1) My name is Kathi Best and I have serious PTS from my Ironman swim
2) I guess my issues regarding swimming are greater than I thought; I am tired of keeping the seriousness of my fears inside, putting on "The Face" and struggling in silence.I have an intense fear of anything that denies me the opportunity to breathe, so being under water is not easy for me period, and then being under water in a combative environment intensifies the fear for me!
Confession Time:-I have not been in the pool since 3 weeks before Ironman
-I have done limited open water swims
-I did 3 races after Ironman and I had such severe anxiety about the swim, I hated the fact that I was signed up, I was mad, edgy, moody and short fused.
I dreaded the race so much that, well pretty much I was a “Bitch” the week before each race.
-I have skipped so many of my swim workouts-I dread getting in the water so much I get a stomach ache
-I have come up with the lamest excuses not to go swim
-I have avoided any type of water speed work, skipped all my scheduled swim tests, or any part of a workout that makes me be out of breath or hypoxic in the water
3) I haven’t really said much to anyone, not seriously anyway, and I haven’t communicated the intensity to my husband nor have I told my coach and I haven’t wanted to post because I want to be authentic and it has been hard for me to be authentic with my words because to do so I would have to talk about:
-how fearful I am
3) I haven’t really said much to anyone, not seriously anyway, and I haven’t communicated the intensity to my husband nor have I told my coach and I haven’t wanted to post because I want to be authentic and it has been hard for me to be authentic with my words because to do so I would have to talk about:
-how fearful I am
-how I feel like a failure in this area
-how frustrated I am that I am here again
-how I do not like to be a wuss, but I feel like one
-how I hate to be a complainer, but if I talk about it I feel like one
-how I know no one likes to hear negative, but if I talk about it, it sounds negative
-how I fear people who have heard the story and are sick of it
-how I fear what people are thinking, good grief just get over it
-how so many were inspired by all I overcame and now I feel like I have backslid
-how none of this is inspiring or uplifting
4) But wait I am an Ironman, so I cannot be a wuss
5) I am an Ironman, they don’t complain 
6) I am an Ironman, I can push through anything
7) I am an Ironman, I am physically and mentally tough
8) And all of those statements are true… but guess what?9) Even an Ironman can have issues, I am proof
10) Even an Ironman struggles with motivation, I am proof
11) Even an Ironman needs to be re-inspired, I am proof
12) Even an Ironman has things to learn and issues to overcome
13) Mine is the swim
Yes… I survived my 1st Ironman
Yes… I had a great race
Yes… It was an overall life transforming experience for me
Yes… I completed it and actually finished 1 hour sooner that what I had hoped for
But… I was traumatized
The swim was such an intense, fear/panic stricken experience for me, if they had given me my Ironman Medal after surviving that swim I would have felt like an Ironman! 
The pictures taken of me coming out of the swim tell that story better than I can tell it in words! 
This is going to be another transforming journey to the starting lineFor this time, I know what lies ahead
A lot of Physical, Mental and Emotional Work
Regardless, it is going to be a lot of HARD work.
To be honest…..
I am scared !
Fear of failure?
Maybe….
Fear of HARD work?
Possibly….
Fear of Mental/Emotional Work?
Probably
The “New Love” Phase of Triathlon is over for me
Now the “Tough Love” Phase begins
I have a lot of work to do before next year
Ironman Coeur d’ Alene 2008…..
Bring it on…
I think?
I want to be...
An Ironman
7 comments:
Thanks for letting it all out in full color and emphasis, Kathi! That's a big step right there. Until you name it, you can't conquer it, I'm guessing. Know that I'm thinking of you and hoping for constructive and courageous ACTION on your part, to move through this one.
You might talk to Bert about the alternating movement therapy he does for PTSD -- it seems amazingly simple, but also frequently incredibly helpful.
I'm really looking forward to sharing time in Kona. Keep me/us posted.
Love!
Tim
Kathi you're an Ironman ninja, you can kick the ass of anything or anyone that tells you differently, even yourself ;) You'll find your motivation when you're ready to.
Kimmee
Hi Kathi -
I am happy that you decided to share your fears and hopefully that is a huge step towards overcoming them. We first met in the pool and I have been in awe of how incredible of a swimmer you have become (and how much potential you still have to grow). I know that you will get back into it. Maybe you should come swim in my Endless Pool? It is more of a controlled chaos in there. I am burned out on swimming myself. Not for the same reasons (mostly just bored) but I am looking forward to a break in training. Perhaps we can help motivate each other over the winter? Maybe we could try swimming in Hawaii. I am TERRIFIED of the ocean. As you prepare for your second, I'll be preparing for my first Ironman swim. I have already learned so much from you. Thanks for sharing. I think that we can come up with some great survival techniques for next June.
Jennifer
I love you, GG. I appreciate your authenticity... your vulnerability... your honesty... your truth. I regret that you are having to go through this but look forward to all the strength and courage you will gain as you overcome this fear.
I'm proud of you for saying it out loud, sometimes that's the hardest part.
No matter what, I love you and respect you as an incredible athlete.
Kathi-
First, I am SO, SO, SO PROUD OF YOU...for being real, for putting it all on the table, for talking about your fears. John Bradshaw says, "We are as sick as the secrets we keep" and I believe that. Putting the fears into the light of day can really help!
There is fear and then there is FEAR...and then there is PTSD. It is very different. Where affirmations, self talk, and hard work can help...at times they don't help us to get over the gut-wretching, mind-boggling, bone marrow-chilling impact of PTSD.
You are in my prayers because I love and care about you. Did I say how proud I am of you? I did, but I'll say it again!
If being an Ironman is about courage, then showing the kind of courage it takes to put this out there is being an Ironman X 10!
This is NOT complaining, this is NOT being a wuss. This is your heart and soul needing to get straight and clear!
I always say...name it and claim it! When you do..you can work on fixing it!
I'm going to echo Tim's idea. Bert works all the time with PTSD...and other traumas. He uses a well-studied, painless, and very helpful technique (EMDR) that helps relieve your brain of the top level of trauma. You know what has happened, but the intensity is diminished. I know it can work...because it has worked on me. If you want his number...call me!
Know that you are in my prayers as you tackle this. You got it out into the light...you have NO reason to feel ashamed! None! Nada!
You have not let down anyone!
It is hard to relate to someone who has on a mask and acts as if everything is hunky dorey, when it isn't! Most of us are relieved to know that our heroes struggle too..that they are REAL people with real fears!
Did I say I was SO, SO, SO proud of you? Well I am!
God Bless and BIG hugs going your way!
Love, Linda
Wow. I have utmost respect for you for putting yourself out there like this. What an amazingly hard thing to do! Yes, you are an IronMan, but that does not mean you are made of iron! You're still human! I think you need to remember all of the fears you have overcome thus far and know that you will be able to do it again. You are stronger than you know! You WILL conquer this fear! Hang in there! XOXO
I am so "feeling" for you right now. I know how tough this has been for you and can very much appreciate how you must "fear" after experiencing the same thoughts, but for a shorter distance and I have never been afraid of swimming. My heart goes out to you, battling this demon. My prayers will now include you more specifically every night, asking for strength to help you "beat this demon" and know that you are safe, always.
Much love, Rachael
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